Mission: Hope!

Fire

2010-10-25T15:45:00.005-08:00

Interview #25 – Stephanie aka Fire

A true “passion-ista”! When I describe Stephanie, “Passion” is always the first word out of my mouth. It’s rare to meet a young woman who engulfs you with her raw open loving strength the first time you meet her. But that’s Stephanie! She’s a ball of energy with an old wise soul. I was very excited to interview her because she possesses qualities and ideas that I wish I embraced more in myself. I was ready to listen and learn.
I sat playing piano and singing, anxiously awaiting her arrival. “Helllllooooo!” I heard through the crack in the door. She was here and best of all, she was bearing gifts! My first baby mama gift bag!! As if I didn’t already think she was cool enough…
“I take myself too seriously,” she said. “I’m working on it.” Taking ourselves seriously, over thinking everything, striving to be some mysterious ideal is something many of us have gone through and I don’t believe that is all bad. I must admit, I feel blessed to have met her at this deep thinker point in her life because her thoughts were flowing. She opened up to me about her childhood, her family, and the personal evolution she’s currently experiencing.
Her parents divorced when she was very young but the tension and pain is still a vivid memory for her. Daddy wounds, as she calls them, are difficult, but not impossible to recover from and it’s often tough to decipher how much those young experiences truly effect our adulthood decisions and biases. Nevertheless healing is very available, it only takes a heart that's open and a soul that's willing. Being without a father was something Stephanie and I had in common and we realized that each of us have spent a lot of time trying to “Be Enough” or constantly be more and better in order to have people want to stay with us. One thing that’s important for us to remind ourselves of is that our fathers leaving was not our fault, was not something we could’ve changed by being “better” and the subconscious actions we still play out as a result of that time period is no longer a healthy or needed coping mechanism. We are enough. We are loved. Life is best lived in the present, not the past.

Here are a few of the great quotes that help sum up Stephanie’s view:
“Others do have an effect on me, as I have an effect on them. It’s not their responsibility how I react to their words or actions but I am an emotional, relational being and the things others do [does] effect me and I'm okay with that. I believe true relationship can only be experienced when there's a genuine exchange of my truth with yours!”
“The biggest battle is the battle between our own two ears.” –(Stephanie’s Mom)
“ Erykah Badu said 'I am an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.' Artists...that's just how we are!"

For any of us suffering she believes we need to stay in it! Feel the pain; acknowledge it rather than deny its existence. Once we look at it for what it is we can then work through it, take away its power and move to a stronger healthier place. I feel so blessed to have this ignited young woman in my life. She is an inspiration and I can already see how dramatically her heart is going to grow and overflow into others as she blossoms! Thank you for sharing your soul with me!

-If you know a child feeling the effects of divorce here are some links that may help:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
http://www.kidsturncentral.com/topics/issues/divorce.htm

Spiderman

2010-10-21T16:46:00.005-08:00

Interview #24 – Jered aka Spiderman
“A selfless act of compassion, bringing light into someone else’s darkness when their own hearts are broken, is courageous.” What an eloquent definition of, courage. I would expect nothing less from a writer as skilled as, Jered.
Writing can be a wonderfully therapeutic way to release our innermost feelings, help our minds travel to faraway places, and teach others of the things we’ve learned. Jered has been blessed to have found this beautiful outlet and I have had the privilege of reading many of his awesome pieces! His poetry and stories have made me moan, sigh, giggle and roll my eyes. Pretty impressive from the boy I once thought of as a theater loving, girl crazy, comic book nerd! (I mean that in the sweetest way.)
I met Jered when we performed together in a rousing comedic musical. I could recognize his unique strong speaking voice anywhere. He instantly reminded me of what I imagined my little brother growing up to be so of course I started following him around, hoping to learn all about him and see if I could get my brother a discount at the comic book store Jered worked for. All those dreams came true!
I began to see that Jered had a deep soul with a compassion for his friends that I’ve rarely seen. He was willing and able to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. And that included me. Unfortunately, we don’t always receive the same amount of love we give and that’s led to some heartache for Jered. His trust has been abused and turned against him a time or two. That kind of betrayal has pushed him to deep depression and bouts of alcoholism. Depression can be a crippling experience that so many of us have battled. And alcohol abuse is very difficult, if not impossible for some of us to not crash and burn from. Both are issues he still struggles with off and on. But he’s looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel and he’s learning to be more selective about who he shares himself completely with.
Jered is still full of hope, despite life’s ups and downs. He believes we must keep our confidence high and he’s sure that we can do amazing things by harnessing the strength that sits in our own chests!
I am incredibly proud of the risks Jered has taken recently. He’s back in California, ready to hit it big! He strives to be a writer, actor and productive happy man. I’ve witnessed his talent and passion. I see every reason for him to achieve all these goals. Don’t forget us little people! We’re rooting for you!

-If you, or someone you know is suffering from depression or alcoholism there is so much help and support out there! Check out:
http://www.depression-helper.com/
http://www.aa.org/

Raiden

2010-10-21T11:52:00.004-08:00

Interview #23 - Ira aka Raiden

Cool jazz piano licks in the background. A glass of merlot in front of him. Crème Brule in front of me. What a beautiful and fitting setting for this interview.
I met Ira almost ten years ago. It was all about the music! He was introduced as the “keys player” for my hot new band. It only took moments for us to realize we were going to get along perfectly. It’s actually quite difficult to not get along with Ira. Of all the men I’ve known, he is the most even-tempered, calm, cool and collected gentlemen. It’s relaxing to be in his presence and know that silence is welcome. He doesn’t feel the need to hear the sound of his own voice. Ira just emanates peace.
Finding peace has been a lifetime goal and worthwhile journey for him. Growing up around a lot of domestic fighting really helped him see, as a child, how he didn’t want to behave as an adult. His parents had a wide range of abusive behavior between them, from verbal to involving weapons. Ira watched this and decided he wasn’t going to repeat that behavior. And he hasn’t, which truly shows his strength. It’s an extreme challenge to not replicate our parents actions but Ira is proof that we each have the ability to break unhealthy cycles.
Ira focused on his music beginning at a very young age. He’s been a music lover and self proclaimed loner for a lot of his life. That isn’t to say he’s lacking in the friend department. He values his personal time though and let’s others in only when he knows he’s able to give of himself. Those of us that have been privileged enough to spend time with him, appreciate the things he’s done to become such an inspiring friend.
Ira stays focused, full of love and confident by reading, writing, playing a wide array of instruments and going for walks. He’s an amazing song writer and I’m always excited when he calls asking if I want to sing something new he’s written. He plays piano, guitar, bass, and drums proficiently. It blows my mind! And I’m sure there are more instruments I’m missing from the list! He loves taking walks in nature, seeing and feeling the beauty. And as long as I’ve known him he’s had an excellent selection of philosophy books.
For those of us struggling he says we need to love something. The love he puts into his music can’t help but overflow into other parts of his life. When we practice love, we can become love and that is a beautiful goal! Also, there is a book he’d like to suggest that truly changed his life; “Think On These Things” by Krishnamurti.
When I think of the best friends I’ve ever had (and currently have) Ira is the first person that comes to mind. I’ve been blessed to sing with him countless times around town and record some of his original songs. His natural calming effect, kind heart and wise words have been a great inspiration to my life. Thank you for sharing yourself with me! Your friendship means the world to me!

-If you, or someone you know is witnessing domestic violence there is support out there for you! Some great resources can be found at: http://evefoundation.org/ or locally at, http://www.awaic.org/. Be brave!

A Sneak Peek into Blaze/She-Hulks Life!

2010-10-15T15:53:00.003-08:00

I want to know your stories! What you've accomplished, overcome and struggled with. I want to use this blog to share stories of others so I'll begin with mine. I know that many people I pass on the street each day have been involved in, or have known someone that's endured abuse. Please know that you are not alone and that there is always hope for a better day!“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” –Redmoon
As a sexual assault survivor many people have complimented my bravery and courage. I never understood how I could possibly seem brave. It has been years since my sexual assault but I still have bouts of paralyzing fear, terrifying flashbacks and moments when I just want to give up hope. But, I will never give up! That’s what my attacker would want. He would want to see me fail and hurt and be miserable the rest of my life so that he could keep having control over me. I refuse to give him that power. In the years since my assault I have endured many painful things and I have overcome even more. Mere months after my violent sexual assault by a masked serial rapist, my step-dad left our family and then my biological father died. That was the point when I no longer felt I had the strength to go on. I didn’t want to hurt myself but I just wanted a break from life. I made some bad choices that made things even worse. I became a pill addict, believing that my only peace could be found from a prescription drug high. I also experienced severe bulimia. Somehow I thought with enough puking I could rid myself of all the pain inside. I went to counselor after counselor, I tried to keep job after job until I realized that I wasn’t living. I had let myself turn into a victim rather than a survivor. I checked myself into an out-patient treatment clinic to get help with my pill addiction, I started volunteering with STAR as a survivor speaker, I began doing the things I enjoyed again like acting and singing in local productions, I went on a musical theatre tour performing in over 40 states, I chose a wonderful supportive boyfriend, I renewed broken relationships with family and friends and I finally began valuing myself again. I didn’t change overnight. I still struggle and I still hurt but caring more about myself and the other survivors out there have brought back my joy. Hope and courage have kept my heart alive. Please never give up on yourselves. Do not let the person who hurt you continue to cause you pain for the rest of your lives. We have to support each other and lift each other up. We are not victims. We are survivors!

***Update! This was originally written in 2008. Since then, I have performed in many shows, traveled and recently got engaged to an amazing man! Oh, and I'm expecting a super beautiful baby in March 2011. Life is still full of ups and downs but the highers are higher and I'm still on my continuous quest to show that hope, love and strength are prevalent and possible! LOVE!

Banshee

2009-02-10T12:41:00.007-09:00

Interview #22 - Leif aka Banshee

“He’s so funny and smart!”
“He is super talented!”
“Oh, he’s cuuute!”
These are all common quotes I hear about the man of the hour. Leif. Actor, musician, lover, computer geek extraordinaire! Leif and I played together for the first time, ten years ago! We laughed, ate Thai food and sang about guys and dolls. Thanks to the magic of theatre, Leif and I have been a married Jewish couple, we shared the stage as a big bad wolf and an evil stepsister, and we kissed while lamenting his supreme skills at fertilizing my eggs. It’s hard to not grow close to someone after these staged, yet oh-so-real experiences. Thankfully, we took time off the stage to truly get to know each other.
When I’m around Leif I get an immediate sense of relief. I feel that I can let my guard down around him and he’d never judge me for anything. It’s surprising how rare that is to find. I’m never quite sure what off-color joke might roll off his tongue but at least I know they’re coming. He easily admits that humor is his defense mechanism. Thank God the man’s funny!
Child abuse leads many people to build up walls and find ways to defend themselves from further pain. Leif endured things that no one, especially a child should be exposed to.
Research shows that 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 16. Those numbers are disturbingly high. Sexual abuse is under reported by females and even more so by males. There are many things that make it difficult for guys to talk about being abused. I am extremely proud of Leif and his courage to speak out about what he’s gone through. I am not sure he realizes how much his strength and openness can impact the lives of others. He is not alone in what he’s experienced and breaking the silence is the only way to show others they can also overcome!
Most perpetrators are straight adult men that are close trusted men in the lives of the children they hurt. The man that hurt Leif fit into this mold perfectly. When Leif was twelve years old one of his parent’s friends began sexually abusing him. I have a twelve year old brother. He is at a time in his life where he’s developing a lot physically and finding his place in the world mentally. Abuse as a child severely stunts your emotional growth and really alters your view of the world, at least for awhile. Leif’s abuse went on for three years. During that time he went from a social boy in the gifted program at school to a silent boy isolating himself and failing all his classes. He found one friend that he was able to confide in and trust. After the abuse stopped Leif began healing. He said it took fifteen years to heal enough to talk about it but he is an incredibly strong amazing man today despite the obstacles he went through.
Leif is one of the most intelligent men I know. He can enter a room full of instruments and play one after another with grace and skill. As an actor he is always in demand and everyone who knows him loves him! Leif recently got married and became a father! He was very blessed to find the woman who fits perfectly with his heart. And he got a bonus by becoming a father to her beautiful daughter. He feels happy and at ease with his life today. I am so proud of him!
Leif, thank you so much for your courage in sharing such a difficult part of your life. You can really change someone’s entire world just by letting them know they’re not alone!
If you or someone you know is a victim of male sexual abuse please seek help. Find someone you can talk to. Here are links to a couple helpful websites that break down some of the myths and give great resources. You aren’t defined by what others do to you. You have reserves of strength inside yourself. You can overcome!
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/assault/male.htm
http://www.malesurvivor.org/default.html

Bitter-sweet Hauntings

2009-01-26T13:24:00.006-09:00

Dad.
He died. A few years ago he got leukemia and I suppose I’m thankful because that gave him the inspiration to get in touch with me. I talked to him more in his last months on earth than I had in the previous 20 years. I miss him. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him this month so I’m hoping that writing about him will help me heal.
Kirk had a huge smile! He made lots of funny faces. I’ve only seen them in pictures but Mom says I make all the same silly expressions.
In high school he was a basketball star! At his funeral an old friend stood up and reminisced about watching his afro bounce down the court as he impressed them all game after game.
He loved my Mom. He loved me.
Unfortunately, he loved drugs more.
I have now lived and learned enough to understand how crippling addiction is. Dad had bi-polar and without medical insurance I assume it was much easier to buy drugs on the streets and use all the uppers and downers available to regulate his manic depressive moods. He was addicted to every type of illegal drug I’ve heard of. My entire life he was in and out of rehab. When he was in rehab it was bittersweet for me. Those were the only times I would receive letters from him. It was often years in between hearing from him and each time it sent me into a detached depressed fear driven world of confusion. When I was 7 years old he sent me a dress that would only fit a 3 year old. He had no concept of time or space but he was trying, I guess.
When I was born my mother had the courage to take me away from him. She didn’t want her daughter being raised by a drug addict. I’m very thankful that she made that choice. While growing up Dad would call and threaten to kidnap me so I had to switch schools and churches. At the time I didn’t know why but thankfully I was a kid who thrived on change and loved making new friends. For a short while he did have visitation rights. He showed me how to start a car with a knife. We ate mashed potatoes together. He told me he loved me. He and his friends were almost always on drugs. A pretty little girl in a ruffled purple dress and a house full of men on drugs led to some very painful experiences for me. But I loved my Dad and I didn’t want to talk about it so I wouldn’t. Mom knew things weren’t right and the 3rd time he tried to pick me up drunk she cut off all his rights to me. I was angry. I wanted a Dad. Oh well.
I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have good memories but there are a lot of blanks in between them. Mom took me to therapist after therapist hoping I would talk about my “feelings” and release some of those repressed memories. But my mind was trying to take care of me. We can only handle so much so my brain waited until I was much older to open up my subconscious mind. I still love my Dad though. I forgive him with all my heart.
The funeral. It is very traumatic to see your father for the first time in 10 years lying dead in a box. But I was so unbelievably happy to see him. I stroked his face. I held his hand. I tried to make his limp arms hug me. It was one of the best days of my life. I finally was with my Dad and he wasn’t hurting me. He was free. His last words were, “Tell Blaze I’m sorry and I love her.” I forgive you and I love you too Dad. That day was incredible because I spent it with the entire side of the family that I never get to see. The other half of me! I felt so complete. I cried and sang and drank all day. My Aunts brought me gifts that he’d been collecting for me over the years. I will never lose those precious gifts. I reconnected with cousins. I saw where my addictive personality came from.
My father survived a tumultuous life full of ups and downs. I know drugs are bad but I really hope that they gave him some relief and some momentary feelings of joy and apathy. I miss him. I still get severe twinges of jealousy when I meet “Daddy’s Girls”. That’s a feeling I’ll never know. But life is still full of hope and beauty and I look forward to seeing my father again one day.

One...Singular Sensation!

2009-01-21T14:33:00.003-09:00

Another one bites the dust...

Here I am. Single. Alone. Free.

Able to breathe deeply again.
I broke up with another one. This one was the perfect guy. But when you’re not the perfect girl that doesn’t matter too much. He was smart, funny, courteous, generous, loving, trustworthy and ready to put a ring on my finger. It was not easy to let this man go.
For my entire life my biggest fear has been…Commitment! I’ve been abandoned by two Dad’s. Yes ma’am, daddy issues! Blerg. I’ve watched my Mom get her heart broken by man after man…after man. When I was in elementary school I remember watching my Mom cry over yet another heartbreak. I knew then that I would never cry over a guy and I would never be left by one. Twenty years later here I am with that decision still deep seated in my subconscious mind. Over the years I’ve started to see the value in the male race and come to respect them more but the feeling that I’m better off without them attached to my heart always surfaces.
When I hear the word, “Love”, my stomach turns. Nope, those aren’t butterflies, they are evil vampire bats flying around trying to suck my life away. When I hear the word, “Marriage”, I start to perspire and seek out the nearest exit. Romantic comedies make me want to puke. I don’t even like chocolate and if another guy tries to impress me with a love poem I think I might choke him with it. Am I even a girl?
Although I’ve been keeping fairly quiet about my break-up, I am absolutely loving being single again. The man I let go of is so wonderful that I want to be gentle and not make things any harder on his heart than I already have. I’m just not ready to settle down. Not yet. And not anytime that I can see in my crystal ball. I adore being able to schedule my days without considering anyone else’s feelings. I know how selfish that is but it’s making me so relaxed! I can go anywhere, anytime with anyone and enjoy myself. I’m not someone who needs love or companionship to be happy. I need freedom and new experiences and a revolving door of new friendships to learn and grow from.
I truly envy the many people I’ve met who can find contentment, love and life in relationships. I’m just not there yet and I’m glad I had the courage to admit that for my sake and his.

Let the next chapter begin!

Phoenix

2008-11-10T17:08:00.005-09:00

Interview #21 – Amy aka Jean Grey/Phoenix

The lovely Amy and I met in 3rd grade. I have a few distinct memories of that year.
#1 We both had a crush on the same cute Latin boy.
#2 We were both asked to leave sex ed class because we were giggling too much.
#3 We were both very “grown up” (with the exception of sex ed class) and fairly spoiled only children.

Since Amy is having incredible adventures and is currently living in London we did an interview over e-mail. I am going to type some of the excerpts of her exact words. She is an eloquent writer with a powerful mind so I don’t want to ruin her intentions.

“Courage means doing something you can’t predict outcomes for. I like to think I’m in control of most situations I put myself into. But I’ve done things that involve uncontrollable situations, and I’ve benefited in some form. I encourage it, despite the possible outcome. You learn a lot about yourself, what you’re capable of and what you’re not willing to compromise for.

Being my best means I’ve done things my way, by my own high standards. I know I always have my family’s support, but doing things on my own merit, on my own accord, based on my own achievements makes the celebration that much sweeter.

I know I’ve let myself been abused emotionally. It may not be as lasting or as hurtful, but it’s not pleasant. You resent aspects you didn’t prevent, but thought you should have been able to after the fact. In the end, it’s recognizing what put you in that position and what you learned from it that matters.”

Amy is a beautiful young woman who exudes confidence and independence. I think she’s the kind of woman that many of us wish we were more like. She’s in the midst of growing into herself, learning what makes her happiest and becoming the powerful person she’s always known she could be. I wish her the best of luck and look forward to hearing more about her journeys!

Husk

2008-11-05T16:58:00.005-09:00

Interview #20 - Sara aka Husk
Miss Sara and I met playing Scrabulous together on Facebook. She’s responsible for filling my work days with internet games, convincing me to read the freakishly popular, “Twilight” (Yes, I admit I love the action packed parts of the book), and making me smile from thousands of miles away.
Sara lives in Washington DC where she spends her days in front of a computer searching for some entertainment. The other hours in her day are full of music, fun tv shows and yummy cooking. I do wish she was close by so she could cook for me! She is so sweet to send me her delicious recipes but alas…cooking just isn’t my cup of tea, hmm ironically a cup of tea is one of the few things I can make! Anyway, Sara loves having friends and family over to her house. She is an avid hockey fan and find lots of pleasure in going to games, watching games on tv, getting crushes on players and loving all the fans that are right on board with her. :) I’m glad she has these experiences to find happiness in because as she struggles day by day with depression life can start looking dark.
Chronic depression is a hole that can often seem difficult to find our way out of. Our lows are so desperately low at times and our highs just don’t surface often enough. According to a study by PBS, depression affects approximately 15 million Americans. Thankfully it is one of the easier problems to treat but sadly many people suffer in silence rather than having the courage to admit that they could use a little help. Sara is glad she found the strength to seek help and she knows it has made a positive impact on her life.
Abuse can be defined by a long list of things. Sara believes that all of us have gone through abuse, perhaps on different levels but abuse none the less. She is very proud that she served our country as a Marine but that naturally came with verbal abuse. (Psst, Marine’s are totally bad ass and I’m really impressed with that!) She knows that she has compromised herself physically and emotionally in relationships but she can also she that she cared enough about herself to find freedom from those unhealthy and painful experiences. Her wisdom shines as she speaks about the importance of not forgetting difficult times because we need those to learn and grow.
One thing that Sara and I talked about was our eating disorders. This is a very very uncomfortable topic but it’s something that many people suffer in silence about. There are a few different reasons that people develop eating disorders; Trauma, child abuse, pressures from dance/gymnastics teachers, low self-esteem, and anything that makes someone lose their sense of control. Anorexia, bulimia and the many disorders related to those are highly about control. When I was in the midst of my eating disorder I had just lost control of my safety, trust and innocence at the hands of a masked man and I had just lost my Father. Those were both deeply disturbing and confusing events that made me realize I did not have nearly the amount of control over my life that I once felt I did. I noticed that if I obsessed about my weight, how many calories were in everything, how many inches each body part had, how many calories I could burn with every activity I no longer had room in my brain to obsess over my dead father or how sad and lost I was. So instead of facing those problems I created new ones that were very damaging. Sara feels that she’s hurt herself in similar ways.
It’s amazing to me how much we can take our pain and the horrible actions of others out on ourselves. I’ve met people who have tripled their problems by choosing a rough road after enduring abuse. Drug addiction, alcoholism, cutting, eating disorders, isolation, promiscuity, and generally recklessness are a few ways. I want to urge everyone to please stop hurting yourselves because of what someone else has done. Choose to overcome. Choose to stand up for yourself and value your body and your life!
Sara has done a great job of learning from her past mistakes and not repeating them. She has the courage to keep hope that tomorrow will be a new and better day. Here are some words of advice from Sara, “Demand better for yourself. If you don’t love yourself you are going to give away your power and allow others to take advantage of you. It’s better to be alone than with someone who manipulates you. Trust yourself.”
Thank you for keeping hope through your trials and being a remarkable inspiration to me!

Cut it off! Cut it all off, baby!

2008-11-04T10:37:00.026-09:00

Bored: "to make weary by dull and tedious repetition."
Yep, that's the one. I get bored very easily. I'm happiest when I have 10 things to work on and a revolving door of interesting people to entertain me while I work. Some people think it's because I'm a Sagittarius or because I'm a woman and obviously too intelligent to settle for focusing on one thing at a time. I think it might be because I know life is short and there's a plethora of experiences to indulge myself in. I don't want to miss too many chances and new adventures! But at times life is more enjoyable when it's stable and calm. Those are the times that I get bored looking in the mirror and want to change my appearance. It's not that I don't like the way I look but I'm curious about what my body would look like in different sizes, my clothes in different styles and my hair in every possible color! I admit that I am a very impulsive and impatient person. (Yes mother, I'm working on that.) Changing my body sounds lovely but it takes time, energy and determination. Trying out new styles sounds exciting but it takes money, money, money...MONEY! So I often settle for the quick-fix, changing my hair.

I'm proud of my most recent change because I took the time to make my choice based on someone other than me. I did some research and decided to donate my hair to, "Pantene Beautiful Lengths" (http://www.beautifullengths.com/) I chopped off a whopping 10.5 inches and now a recovery cancer patient is wearing a Blaze wig. That makes me feel really good! It's a wonderful way to really help someone in need with, literally a piece of yourself. Please look into it and the next time you're ready for a change, try this!

Here's the before and after of my luscious locks:

Do a good deed! Give hair to some one in need!

(http://www.beautifullengths.com/)

Isis

2008-10-28T10:35:00.008-08:00

Interview #19 - Betty aka Isis
The first time I met Betty I thought, “Wow. I want to be like her when I grow up!” Yes, I realize that I’m getting a bit old to say that but I am a big believer in shooting for ALL my dreams which will require learning new things and experiencing new adventures every year of my life.
Betty has so many stories and so much passion! We met recently because we are working together to organize volunteers for a local non-profit event. I assumed she would be an open-hearted person but I was surprised to hear about her lifetime of helping others.
Betty grew up on the East Coast in New Jersey. She described it as an exciting place with a cloud of motivating guilt hanging over it. I was in shock listening to the disadvantages women had that I thankfully can’t imagine. Apparently women were not permitted to enter bars and some restaurants without a “Male Escort”. My eyes grew wide trying to imagine that. She said that it took many years for her to realize that the way women were treated was wrong. They were looked down upon and even when they were in the workforce men looked at them as sex symbols and thought it was their right to have their way with them. She had to fight off more than one inappropriate advance. I can see that she’s been a fighter for a long time. In her early 20s she went to the Big Apple and became a working woman. She went on to travel and landed in Alaska.
Betty worked as a Child Advocate aiding the most disadvantaged and mentally disabled children who were victims of sexual and physical abuse. She also spent years working at a women’s shelter and later became an educator with a rape crisis center. She learned so much about abuse, control and love while spending her time with women in crisis. I can imagine what a profound impact a job of that nature would make. I went through a two week training course at a local women’s shelter and I was completely blown away by the information, statistics and real-life examples that were given. It must be so heartbreaking yet so rewarding and empowering to help those women day in and day out!
Betty is currently a retiree, trying her best to enjoy some downtime. I’m not sure how long that will last though because she is brimming with energy! She goes for a run every morning, she spends time with her lovely husband of 42 years and she volunteers.
I was very excited to soak in all the wisdom and knowledge she offered. If I didn’t have to return to work I’m sure she could’ve chatted all day and told me many more wild stories! Betty’s a believer in karma and with all the good she’s done I’m sure she will be amply rewarded!
I frowned looking at the clock realizing we had to wrap up, “What advice would you give to other people who are going through or recovering from things you’ve experienced?”
“I want women to be more aware. Honor you friendships and please don’t give up your dreams for a man. Support your friends, be a good listener and live the life you’ve dreamed of!”
Thank you Betty for your lifetime of extraordinary help! Please don’t doubt that you have improved the lives of many people. I am in awe of you and will truly strive to be more like you!

Ice Woman

2008-10-28T09:05:00.006-08:00

Interview #18 - Grandma aka Ice Woman
My Grandmother is an incredible woman! She recently celebrated her 80th birthday and I think she has a life to look back on and be very very proud of! Her generosity and love have been a profound inspiration to me.
She grew up in Kansas. Her mother was a strict school teacher, (which has led to generations of women scrutinizing my bad handwriting.) She had a daddy she loved very much and three siblings. Grandma was the middle child. I’ve read in many birth order books that middle children often have the most difficult time and suffer from, “Middle Child Syndrome”. They are in a position where they often feel ignored, left out and not as good as their siblings. She was no exception to this. She suffered harsh physical and emotional abuse from her mother. She survived that pain and she now has a wealth of empathy for other children who are being treated poorly. She said that she always tries to give attention to the kids at church who are alone and ignored.
Church and God’s love are a big part of her life! She knows that God expects the best from her and she wants to serve Him and others as much as possible. Her giving spirit is very apparent to everyone that knows her! It seems like every time I call her she has plans to take a friend to their doctor appointment or go visit a lonely elderly person from church or in her neighborhood. She told me that she loves to visit people and make them laugh! I know that her love and good humor are a huge blessing to others!
At the age of eighteen she decided to leave the home she’d grown-up in and run off to Alaska! It’s incredible! She loves Alaska so much! She wed my late grandfather not too long after she arrived in Alaska and became a military wife. They traveled quite a bit. Raising five children while your husband is in and out of town is no easy task. Especially when your husband is an alcoholic. I know that she has endured many difficult things that other spouses of alcoholics can understand. But I also know she doesn’t like to say negative things about the people she loves and that includes her mother and my grandfather. She is very courageous!
Grandmother returned to Alaska and she’s back to loving the cold. She has retired from a long positive career as a legal secretary. As a matter of fact, just last week I ran into one of her old bosses who gushed to me about how much they miss her and how she was the best secretary they’d ever had. Go Grandma!
I am so very pleased to know her as a family member and a friend! If she is evidence of God’s love than I’m sold! Thank you for your brave and generous life!

Gandalf

2008-10-20T15:06:00.008-08:00

Interview #17 – Mike aka Gandalf
It was a chilly Sunday morning. As I walked to the coffee shop I used all the mind power I could muster to pretend that winter hadn’t arrived yet. Thankfully it was a short walk and I was able to gain another day of denial. I sat down with my steaming hot once-a-month cup of coffee and looked up to see Mike coming through the door.
There he was in his cold early morning glory! As he waited for his coffee I observed him. 6’4, your typical tall, dark haired handsome gentleman. Wait…that’s not typical! At least not the gentleman type. (Yes ladies, he’s available.) Mike knows all too well that being a nice guy in this day and age is not always easy or well received but he’s determined to keep the standard high so that our next generation can see an example of a good man who treats others well.
As a teacher Mike has an incredible opportunity to enrich the lives of children and he takes that position very seriously. He absolutely loves his job and his students. He will undoubtedly make an amazing mark in their lives. When people are asked who has inspired them most in life many will name a teacher. Celebrities and even family members often can’t compare to someone investing in your life, encouraging you, teaching you important lessons and being a positive example. I recently was out with Mike and we ran into two of his students. The complete adoration beaming from them as they stared up at him was nothing I’d ever seen. I wanted to figure out how I could get someone to look at me that way!
I am so glad that Mike has found places where he is comfortable sharing himself. He is very shy and sometimes has difficulty getting past that and opening up. He is hearing-impaired. When I met him in person I was surprised to see that he had two hearing aides. He’s barely 30 years old but seeing that quickly explained some of his shyness. It must be very challenging to be a head taller than everyone and unable to hear a lot of what is being said in group conversations. If I was in that position I would definitely just be quiet and hang back. Unfortunately that makes some people see him as unfriendly and unapproachable. He told me that there have been times throughout his life when he was screaming inside for someone to be his friend and talk to him. The positive part about experiencing times like those is that he now has deep compassion for other outsiders and misunderstood people. He’s been able to make wonderful friends just by taking a chance on them and he’s heard over and over, “It’s ironic that I had to find the deaf guy to get someone to really listen to me.” I think that is a powerful compliment that really shows what a great guy he is.
I need to take a moment to discuss what it means to be, “creepy”. A few times Mike has mentioned that he hates the thought that people may see him as creepy because he’s this tall quiet guy. It’s something he battles and I’m not sure who called him that in the past and gave him that idea but I really want to help banish that worry from his mind. Here’s a definition of creep that I found: “to be frightening or repellent; cause one to experience uneasiness” also I found the definition, “a boring, disturbingly eccentric, painfully introverted, or obnoxious person.” Mike, I am a very sensitive and intuitive person. I trust my gut around people and if I get the slightest bad vibe I will try not to get close to that person again. I feel nothing but happiness when I’m in your presence. You are calming, caring and interesting. I’ve polled some of your friends and acquaintances and not a single person referred to you as creepy, frightening, disturbing or obnoxious. You are introverted but not painfully so or else you wouldn’t have the courage to get on stage and entertain us all! You are not boring! You are one of the greatest storytellers I’ve ever met! Please believe that you are wonderful and people see that when they look at you. Stop doubting yourself! And to quote you, “The hurt that you’re feeling is only as powerful as you let it be.”
Mike is a strong yet gentle very talented man. He loves performing and spending time with his close and inspiring friends. He has overcome disability and shyness and he is now in a position to inspire us all. He wants to urge us all not to give up and to remember that there is always someone out there willing to listen and help each and every one of us!

Vixen

2008-10-17T16:46:00.007-08:00

Interview #16 – Anonymous aka Vixen

I smiled as I came through the restaurant door. There she was sporting her eccentric stylish threads. Her hair was the perfect combo of messy yet attractive. How is she able to buy vintage thrift store clothes and end up always looking awesome? Her red rimmed glasses and dimples made her so fun to sit across from.
I had an amazing time listening to her “ramble”, as she put it. Her mind is full of information and love. It was a blessing to get a peek into her head. Her compassion goes far beyond her own personal community. When speaking of courage she discussed the true fighters that are surviving in countries with war, refugees, starving people that live day to day in hardship that most of us Americans have no concept of. It was eye opening and refreshing to hear someone who cares for the world, not just themselves.
She has done a lot of work in the community with sexual assault survivors and other victims of abuse. Through her work with others she was able to open her eyes to the bad times in her life that she’d been pushing away and blaming herself for. As she was counseling these girls she began seeing herself in their stories and from there she started to understand that she had endured some events in her life that were wrong and should not have happened.
Vixen was raised by a psychologically twisted father. She witnessed him abusing her mother on many occasions and to this day she has to listen to her mother defend him and make excuses for his behavior. I could see Vixen struggle as she described her childhood. I know how hard it is to talk about the bad choices our parents make and how that has affected our lives. As much as they may hurt us we still love them. But Vixen is very intelligent and knows enough to understand that sharing her pain can help someone else.
“I feel like I was sexually abused growing up, but the part that is concrete in my mind was psychological sexual abuse, coupled with physical abuse. Without getting into too much detail, he would do serious power/control shit with major sexual overtones, and then be violent. So while I'm not sure what happened, I know things did, and they definitely had a sexual component to them,” she told me.
She grew up in constant fear of her father sexually abusing her. There is a part of her that believes he did but she can’t specifically recall so she’d hate to falsely accuse him. I have researched a lot about repressed memories. I know that when a child goes through trauma it is very common to repress those experiences because kids don’t have the capacity to understand it or deal with it and our brains are kind enough to push those thoughts away so that we can still be a kid. Some people go through their entire life not remembering; others end up having violent flashbacks years later. I felt a lot of anger hearing that her dad asked her mom in front of her and her brother which one of them was going to teach the kids to masturbate. Also, the time her father said not to worry about his creepy friend because she wasn’t “hot” enough to be this grown man’s type. I hope her father didn’t hurt but I do think its okay for her to feel that maybe he did.
Vixen had some difficult relationships, as most of us had. I want to talk about one in particular because this is similar to what I’ve heard from other people and I want them to know it happens and it’s not okay. In college she started dating someone. He was nice enough and smart but when it came to sex he only wanted it when she didn’t. I’m not talking about having a rough day or a headache, I’m talking about pushing someone one when they are asleep or completely unwilling. She had to literally fight him off on more than one occasion but since he gave up each time she figured he wasn’t hurting her because his attempts weren’t successful. I personally see that as attempted date rape but I know that when you like someone and you’re in the situation all lines become blurry. Thankfully she got herself out of that poor relationship.
Today Vixen is so powerful. Her mind and soul have a capacity I rarely see in someone. Friends and strangers constantly confide in her. During our time together I shared things with her that no one knows about my life. In listening to her I was inspired and reminded of my own strength which is what I was hoping to show to her. Hopefully I did! She has a heart for both victims and abusers. I found that very interesting. She has a vast understanding that we are all people, we all mistakes and we all should be loved. I poked and prodded about that a little bit because while I agree that people who do bad things deserve forgiveness I do not think that some of them should be allowed in society after certain crimes such as molesting children, etc. She agreed but she wishes that instead of jail they could be sent into the wilderness or a farm where they can plant potatoes and still do positive things for society. I think she might make a pretty decent Queen.
I looked at her, wishing that our time together didn’t have to end yet, “What advice would you give to other people that are recovering from or going through the same things you have?”
“A good friend of mine told me a quote that I always try to remember, ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’ I have faith that we have strong unwavering souls. We all need to be thankful for the lessons we learn from the bad. When I’m in a dark depressed place I reach for goals and little reminders that I’m still in motion.”
Vixen reminded me that we all have a responsibility to help each other, especially those of us that are more blessed than others. Thank you so much for all the help you’re sending out into the world. You have the ability, intelligence, soul and faith to make profound changes in our world. Please don’t ever stop believing in that! You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met!

Knockout

2008-10-13T15:45:00.005-08:00

Interview #15 - Barb aka Knockout
If you’ve ever had a parent die then you know loss and grief. If you experienced that as a teenager than you can understand the extra confusion and difficulty in finding your way back to yourself. Barb was seventeen when her mother passed away. Her mother had been sick for years and her time had come. That left Barb as the oldest child there to help her father and her two younger sisters. She knew that strength was needed and she found it inside herself.
Strength has definitely been a theme in Barb’s life. At times it is her best asset and at times, her worst. Her spunky assertive way of standing up for herself is not always well received. But, it’s often called for.
In the year I’ve known Barb I have thoroughly enjoyed her. She has this adorable voice and calls me cute names like, “Toots” and “Chicky”, that no one else could get away with. I have observed her interactions with others. She is a very uplifting and encouraging friend. She’s quite good with tough love. When someone she cares deeply for needs to get a reality check she’ll give it to them. Barb was raised in church and is still very involved in that today. When I’m having a hard time she reminds me of Bible verses. Some people sound very snooty and preachy when talking about God but with her it’s natural and you can see that it’s deeply rooted in her heart. That faith has been instrumental in helping her cope with a difficult marriage and strained family relationships.
All relationships are difficult at times, especially the ones we were born into and didn’t choose. But, Barb says that life it too short to be miserable!
During our lunch together I was a bit taken aback by Barb’s talk of strength. Almost every answer included her need to be strong and the times she’s shown that. At one point she looked down and quietly said, “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me.” There it was. That was the first moment while talking with her that I could feel her emotion and her energy. I myself have wished many times that I was someone else, even if only for a moment. A chance to escape the things I don’t like in my life. I’m guessing that most of us have daydreamed about that at some point. But I am so thankful that I am who I am and I am so blessed to know Barb.
Barb, you are strong but it’s okay to feel weak sometimes. It’s good to find your vulnerability. You will always be a strong woman but you’re human and that’s beautiful too.
Barb is a happy home owner and business owner. She’s active in church and brings a smile to my face almost every day! She is a blessing and she wants to urge all of to never ever doubt ourselves!

Stressed? Work it, baby!

2008-10-13T13:36:00.006-08:00

I get stressed out way too often! My neck ends up in pain, I get headaches, and I just want to drink wine and relax. Unfortunately, with my lack of control I end up drinking the whole bottle, doing something ridiculous and being more stressed out the next day because of what I did the night before. So, I selfishly have been asking my interviewees how they handle stress. I am partly asking so that they can remind themselves out loud but also I just really need some tips! I don't like baths - Boring! I don't knit - Frustrating. I don't like venting - Working on it! I do love sweating out my stress though! Exercise has become a huge part of my life and it has made me a much more confident and calm person. I'll tell you more about my workouts in a minute but first here's a list of stress relievers that I've gotten throughout my interviews. Hopefully some of these will work for you!

Knitting

Walking (I think just getting fresh air can be a big help!)

Bubble Bath w/ candles. Ooh la la!

Creative activities (Writing, reading, artwork, graphic design)

Socializing and venting (I hear this is the most helpful thing ever!)

Going for a drive

Glass of wine (1 or 2 only)

Quiet meditative time

At this point in my life I don't do too well with quiet time or calm activities. I'm not a spazzy and hyper person but after spending eight hours sitting and being polite I just want to scream and jump around! So thank God for the gym! The endorphins are incredible! I'm not a runner. Some people love running. I like it but I prefer weight lifting and dancing. I get a rush from feeling strong and beautiful at the same time. I go to the gym about 4-5 days a week. I do short intense cardio (10-25 minutes) and then alternate upper and lower body workouts. I try to follow the Body-For-Life plan cause the results rock! (www.bfl.com) I get really lazy when I don't take my I-Pod along. Here's the eclectic list of tunes I sweat to:

1. Down With the Sickness - Disturbed

2. La La - Ashlee Simpson (don't judge! sometimes you just need a good beat!)

3. Testify - Rage Against the Machine

4. Since U Been Gone Remix - Kelly Clarkson

5. It Wont Be Long - Across the Universe

6. Last Resort - Papa Roach

7. Candyman - Christina Aguilera

8. Smells Like Funk - Black Eyed Peas

9. In Person - Pussycat Dolls

10. Stupify - Disturbed

11. Brooklyn in the Blood - Brklyn, the musical

12. Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet

13. Thought @ Work - The Roots
14. Lady Marmalade - The Missy Elliot Version
15. Bottle it Up - Sara Barielles

Those usually get me pumped and sweaty and I feel great afterwards! Try it. I think you'll like it too!

-Blaze

Profile of My Rapist

2008-10-09T08:31:00.005-08:00

Eew, I said the "R" word and I'm already feeling uncomfortable but I know that is one of the main reasons that so many people don't tell anyone when they are raped. It's difficult to say, it makes people feel uncomfortable and because of that many girls keep quiet about it. Then accountability goes away and predators continue to hurt people. I really want that to end. Breaking the silence is very important to me. It is a lot more important than my discomfort.
80% of sexual assault victims know their attacker. It’s rare for someone to be attacked by a stranger. I’ve decided to talk a bit about the person who tried to ruin me in the hope that it can help others become more aware.
I awoke on a Monday morning when I heard my bedroom door open. There was a masked man in my room. He was covered head to toe. It was like a Lifetime movie and in those movies the ladies fight back and run away. So after lots of screaming I tried to run and fight. That was not working. He was much stronger than me and when I realized I was about to die I stopped fighting and hoped that he was maybe just there to rape me, not also to kill me. He covered my face in a mask and a pillowcase. He didn’t speak except for a few whispered words. I was sure he was a stranger. During the attack I was not concerned with trying to see him and figure out who he was. I was concerned with making sure that my little brother didn’t come home from school to see his murdered sister.
After the horrifying things that took place, after the sirens and family and hospital, there were the police trying very hard to solve this case. While I recovered from the broken bones, cuts, bruises, etc the cops were putting the pieces together. My parents and I visited the police quite often trying to help them find him. I was very startled to hear what they knew so far.
The officer looked at me with sympathy and anger, “He knew you. He called your house about ten times that morning from a pay phone down the street. We believe he’d been stalking your family for awhile to determine when you’d be alone. He climbed in through an upstairs window that was open a bit. Do you know anyone that would capable of this crime?”
Do I know anyone capable of that?! I was shocked and immediately scared of every one I knew that had a penis.
I thought back to guys I’d dated, family members, co-workers and narrowed it down to 2 men I thought were the size and temperament for being my perpetrator. One was not in the state so that just left him. I had dated him five years prior to the attack. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss and although I was covered in a mask and bruises I guess he was my first sexual partner. That really doesn’t count though. During the two short months we dated he wrote me nearly 300 letters which he put into a binder and had laminated. Even after we broke up he wanted me to keep the binder of weird love notes so that he could look at them when he came to visit. He had endured a lot of abuse in his life. I saw bruises and scars on him. I knew he was highly neglected. He said I was his life, his family, his everything. As romantic as that may sound, it’s not healthy and it totally freaked me out. I was 15! I didn’t want to be someone’s everything, I wanted to be a light-hearted freshman in high school. He gave me jewelry to wear with his name on it. He stopped hugging and even talking to his female friends. He threatened any guy that joked around and befriended me. On the other hand, I thought he needed me. So many girls were jealous of me! He was hands down the most attractive man I’ve ever dated. Talented, good looking and disturbed. After I broke up with him we stayed friends…or so I thought.
About two weeks before the attack he came to my house. He showed up unannounced as he did on occasion. He’d been out of town for about 2 months staying with a friend and his Mom. I asked why he came back.
He clenched his hands into a fist, “His Mom is a bitch. But I have a job I really like now. I’m working security and you wouldn’t believe the rush of taking out a guy bigger than you. It feels so good!” he was grinning and kinda hopping.
“Okay. Cool! How’s your son? And your girlfriend?” I asked.
His smiled faded and he rolled his eyes, “Uh well, my son is good.”
I told him about a new band I’d been rehearsing with and invited him to our big debut that was supposed to happen a few weeks later. Unfortunately the lead singer was attacked and no one really wants to watch a girl get on stage with two black eyes and a broken arm.
Two weeks after my attack, another girl was hurt in the same way. A masked man broke into her house, beat her and raped her. This time he was more violent and she came even closer to dying than I did. But she saw a bit of his face and she recognized his voice. She knew it was her best friends boyfriend, the father of her best friends child. He was her attacker. The local police also had an unsolved case that was the exact same scenario. They asked that poor girl (I say poor girl because she’d been living for over two months not knowing who had broken into her house and raped her in front of her crying baby) if she knew the man we knew. "Yes", she told them, "he’s my husbands best friend."
There are so many more details with this story but I want to stay on track with my topic. We all knew him. We all knew he was somewhat disturbed, hurt, and violent. I don’t want to tell anyone to stop trusting your friends or hate men because I don’t think that! I like men a lot! But I am cautious about who I give personal information to. I am cautious about who I invite to my house. I am aware of violent tendencies, “nothing to lose” attitudes and abusive pasts in the men I get close to. There are lots of wonderful amazing men in the world and by becoming more aware and listening to my intuition I have not only distanced myself from dangerous guys but I have also found some incredibly good guys.
It’s good to trust people but please listen to your heart and don’t ignore your gut reaction to others. It could save your life.

The Punisher

2008-10-02T09:27:00.007-08:00

Interview #14 – Anonymous aka The Punisher
The Punisher is the greatest anti-hero. He kills many people. But is it really so wrong if he’s ridding the earth of bad guys? Not in my opinion. He sounds like a nice guy to have on your side. The man I just interviewed has longed for many years to be like the Punisher, taking out the bad guys. But due to laws and commandments he can’t be quite so fancy showing off weaponry skills and unleashing anger. So instead he has risen to the top in a field he is very passionate about and in his own important way he is changing the world.
Growing up is not usually the charming fairytale we hope for. We can’t all scrub the kitchen floors while singing with mice and then live happily ever after. Admittedly, Frank (That’s the Punisher's first name and what I’ll be calling my interviewee) was the rebel of his family. When tension and hardships arise different personality types react in much different ways. Some people repress and hide inside themselves, others overcompensate by trying to be the perfect child, and then there are the people like Frank who act out, run away, and rebel. After running away from a family situation he wasn’t happy with he ended up in foster homes. Some were good others were neglectful to the point of hospitalization.
Instead of becoming a bitter, angry man Frank decided he wanted to change things. He did not want other kids and teens to endure what he did. He got the education and experience necessary to eventually secure a position where he had the power to change systems that were not up to the proper standards. I have always been very inspired by his choice to take a bad experience and try to keep it from happening to others.
Frank shared a great example of what courage is to him. He believes that courage is open-minded thoughtful listening. Not only the ability to share difficult things but the willingness to listen to difficult things, consider them without being defensive and change if that is what’s best.
From my perspective I believe that Frank’s accomplishments in life far outweigh his hardships. He is a proud father of two great kids. It’s very important to him to help them and be the best dad he can be. His career is something he has always dreamed of and he should be immensely proud of his hard work to get where he is today. After many years of challenging himself mentally and physically he is now at a place where he wants to find peace. He’s learning the beauty of relaxation and meditation.
For those of us struggling to overcome the situations life throws at us Frank wants to encourage you to take control of your success! He is a shining example of that. He went from a runaway teen, in and out of foster care, and in and out of jail to a dedicated man at the top of his profession with two children happy to call him, dad. Thank you for never giving up on yourself!

Jade

2008-09-30T15:30:00.007-08:00

Interview #13 – Anonymous aka Jade
Anonymity is important with this interview. Jade, as I will call her, has been through some frightening things that not even some of her immediate family members know about. I could’ve used her name and left out a lot of her more traumatic life experiences but that would have stripped others of the chance to know that they are not alone. As much as I wish that no one else in the world has experienced some of the things Jade and I have, it’s just not realistic. So, she is being very brave in allowing me to share her painful memories in the hope that one of you out there can know you are not alone. You have strength and you will overcome.
This is the most difficult piece I’ve written. I’ve avoided it for a few days now. Her story is so horrible, so similar to mine and I know that a lot of girls have felt what she’s felt. I have cried twice in the past 3 days reliving what she told me. As a person who cries once every few months this is unusual and disturbing and it shows me how important her courage is. I wish I was only angry about her situation but instead I’m angry because what happened to her is happening somewhere to another girl right now. That’s why I’m writing this. That’s why I’m not giving up and ignoring this pain even though I really really want to.
It seemed like just another day at work. Jade was in high school and working at the local pharmacy. As she and her boss closed up for the day her life was quickly turned upside down. Her boss, and very much her elder, sexually assaulted her that day. As a teenager and a virgin her innocence made it almost impossible to do anything but freeze in shock and hope that this was just a bad dream. Jade lived in a small town where her attacker was a beloved community man with a popular family. He was praised and looked up to by many which made her position very confusing. She didn’t tell anyone for a long time. Not even when she miscarried his baby. She kept to herself and repressed her feelings as much as she could. Drinking day and night was all she knew to do. She was promiscuous for a time, racking up the number of men who would actually stop when she said “No”, so that she could slowly find hope that good men exist.
Jade dealt with her heartache in the best ways she could at the time. She eventually asked for some help and starting piecing her life back together. She confronted her attacker. She left that small town and set out to prove to herself that she could be the strong, smart woman that she is. She went to college and earned some very prestigious degrees. (I don’t want to say what her job is to protect her identity.) She has a profession and pay check now that many would envy. She has a giant sparkling rock on her finger given to her by an incredible understanding fun man who she is excited to marry!
She still has struggles. At times she handles them gracefully and in a healthy manner. Other times she drinks as much as she wants. But that is okay with me. She is one of the most intelligent, quick witted, fun loving, courageous and inspirational people I have ever met. For others out there who can see yourself in her story she wants you to remember that you have resilience inside of you. It’s not weakness to need help. It takes strength to ask for what you need in order to be the best person you can be. Trust yourself.
Jade, it’s okay to get scared sometimes. It’s okay to cry and borrow someone’s shoulder. It’s okay blame him and not yourself. It’s okay to trust people. It’s okay to be beautiful.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, your pain and your incredible courage with me.

Psylocke

2008-09-29T09:39:00.005-08:00

Interview #12 – Cece aka Psylocke

I am feeling very censored right now. Cece was adamant about the fact that she hates labels, does not ever want to be labeled and will not label others. Unfortunately, I am dying to list off all the reasons I like her so much and yes that means she may be labeled as, Awesome! Well, here goes, hopefully she’ll forgive me.
When I think of Cece I think of boundless energy, loud laughter, lots of Guinness and an open-minded soul ready to accept every one as they are. She’s small in stature but somehow her liveliness manages to take over every room she walks into! Each time I go to a restaurant with her I suddenly get VIP treatment. It isn’t because she’s snobby and demanding, it’s because she remembers every staff member’s name and treats them like gold! When someone is that friendly and considerate with a stranger you know they must be a stellar friend.
People are truly Cece’s lifeline! She loves people, in the good times and bad. I’m very impressed by her ability to take the negative times, things and people in life and create good from it. She is able to analyze situations and talk things out until a solution is found and she then has a better idea of how to avoid the same problems in the future.
Cece is the youngest of seven children. Ouch! My baby-maker hurts just thinking about that! I’ve met a few other youngest kids from big families and they all have stories of being picked on and of having exhausted parents. Cece loves her family with all her heart but it wasn’t easy being the youngster. She was often ignored. There are many times when children are neglected and in turn they become very introverted adults who have trouble feeling worthy of other people’s love and affection. Cece does not seem to have this problem. At least not any more. She said that the environment she grew up in made her stronger. She learned how to take care of herself.
Since she knows the pain that being ignored can bring she absolutely loves making other people feel special. She became excited while talking about the many friends that confide in her. She said she doesn’t know why they feel so comfortable telling her everything but she’s glad that she can be there to listen and give advice. I can easily see why people would trust her! She isn’t a gossip, she’s free spirited and open-minded, and she will tell it like it is without making you cry. Ha! A friend recently told her, “I envy you. You can tell someone that they’re being a f@*$ing bitch and they’ll still like and respect you!” Not many people have the tact and the heart to be honest when it counts.
I was quickly heading toward food-coma land so I asked the final question, “What advice would you give to other people who are suffering or recovering from the same things you’ve been through?”
Her eyes lit up. She instantly had this dynamic infectious glow. She has obviously been given a gift of wisdom. That was very apparent as empowering words of encouragement and advice poured out of her.
“We’re all gonna be dead for a long time so we have to take advantage of this life! Each of us has courage inside. It’s not something that will ever go away. You just have to choose to use it! We all have choices in this life but we have to remember that the only thing we can change is ourselves. You would be amazed at how powerful your mind is! Be thankful for the good in life and learn from the bad. And always remember to trust your gut. It took me a long time to figure out how important that is but your instincts are there for a reason so don’t ignore them!” she smiled.
Cece was like a breath of fresh air. I was taken aback by her intelligence. She is a lot more than the “party girl” I think of. She knew herself so well. Her life has had it’s ups and downs but she’s had the courage to learn from the mistakes, find the incredible support of her girlfriend and allow herself to be spoiled now and then. I’ve observed her at work and at play. I’ve heard what people say behind her back. “I’m bored cause Cece’s not here.” “Invite Cece so that we all have more fun!” “She’s so cute!” “She cracks me up!” Well liked and highly respected for all the right reasons. I wish there were more people like Cece in this world!

Engineer

2008-09-25T10:24:00.006-08:00

Interview #11 – Anonymous aka Engineer

An interview in my apartment, “Crap…I have to clean.”
I piled things into the corners, cleaned the wretched dishes and lit my sugar cookie candles just in time to hear a very hesitant,
“tap tap tap,” on my door.
In a light blue sweater and her trademark silver necklace she quietly said, “Hey. Umm so he told me that you were waiting to talk to me…”
This normally strong assertive woman suddenly sounded like a young girl approaching her teacher.
I realized in that moment of tension that I was an unknown in the world of a woman who usually knows what she’s getting herself into. She’s a smart woman and with a stack of degrees to prove that. She seems to put effort into thinking with her head so the prospect of me asking questions to her heart threw her out of her element.
But, all nerves aside she rose to this challenge, as she does to many others and she granted me a sneak peek into her life.
“What motivates you to be your best?” I asked her.
“I don’t want to have any regrets. I’d like to look back on my life and be fulfilled by the choices I made.”
So far she seems to be doing a great job with that. She has a powerful job that allows her to use her knowledge to make a positive difference in her community. She travels, cooks, and enjoys time with friends. For someone with a family spread out all over the nation she has a remarkably close relationship with all her immediate family members. Their support has made the difficult times in her life a little bit easier.
Abuse has occurred in her life, as it has in most of the lives of people she’s known. As a result of abuse she was able to see that she was much stronger than she ever imagined. When her trust for people began to fade it only intensified the value of the trusting relationships in her life. For a time she struggled quite a bit but then there came a distinct and empowering realization. She was allowing the abuse to define her and she knew that had to stop if she wanted to have a worthwhile life.
In the years since making that incredible turnaround she has succeeded in many areas. Beyond her professional accomplishments she feels the most proud of her personal growth. For a woman who does not like to be wrong, hates making mistakes, and needs a certain level of control in her life, it is a big deal that she’s been able to find peace. She’s continually becoming more forgiving of herself.
To sum up her personality I can quote word for word the traits of the grandmother she hopes to be like; hilarious, super intelligent, beautiful and strong.
I smiled at her, “What advice would you give to someone who is dealing with or recovering from abuse?”
“There is light at the end of the tunnel! The tunnel might be long but there is a light at the end waiting for you.”
Congratulations on finding that light, taking control of your life and being an inspiration for the rest of us.

Echo

2008-09-23T16:17:00.003-08:00

Interview #10 – Sharon aka Echo
We sat down at the diner, both anxious to start munching on some french fries!
A concerned look washed over her face, “I’ve just had a lot of health problems,” she said. “Not abuse and things like some of the other people you’ve talked you.”
I explained to her that I’m not a reporter seeking out a horrible story. I just want truth and there’s no doubt that some of the challenges she’s faced are being dealt with by others who could use some hope.
At a young age Sharon was diagnosed with Marfan syndrome which negatively affects the bodies connective tissues. It causes a plethora of dangerous physical problems that can result in sudden death due to an aortic rupture. Because of the severity of this syndrome Sharon was told she would be unable to do many things. No one wants their life choices to be made for them. She felt powerless. As she got older her medical issues intensified. Doctor after doctor told her that she probably could not, and definitely should not have children. At the least she would pass her health problems onto them, at the most she would likely die. She was devastated. She had dreamt of one day being a mother and now those dreams were shattered. When she was 20 years old she got her tubes tied. She felt it would’ve been too dangerous and much too selfish to try and bring a child into the world under those conditions. She is now thankful for all the opportunities she’s had that would not have been afforded to her if she’d had children.
At the very young age of 29 she had heart surgery. It was starting to make sense to me why she was so concerned with healthy foods, medicines and methods. The few conversations Sharon and I have had previously dealt with her habits of eating organic unprocessed foods, seeing homeopathic doctors and making her own herbal medicines. She reminds me a bit of the intriguing lady living in the woods that you stumble upon when you’re weak and lost and then she has you drink a concoctions and you’re magically well! She claims she hates technology and could live without electricity so maybe she will be that lady one day!
Now, as we all know, dating often sucks. It can suck away our sense of self, our joy and our will to live if we are not with the right person. After the delightful honeymoon phase things can make a turn for the worse. Sharon spoke about a particularly difficult past relationship. She was manipulated and controlled until she began to think everything was her fault and she thought she may be going crazy. Hearing her describe that relationship brought to mind a very serious method of manipulation and grooming that some controlling individuals use against their partners in order for them to be completely needed. It is referred to as, Gaslighting. “Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality. This is done by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so - and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.” –Stern. It is very challenging to break free of such severe mental control but Sharon is an incredibly strong woman. She allowed herself to get out of the relationship and regain control of her life with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy and family support.
Sharon is a tremendous example of what courage, self-awareness and determination can result in. I have always been a deeply empathetic person and when I’m involved in these one on one interviews I strongly feel the emotions that are pulsing through the person in front of me. She is STRONG! Her convictions are solid, her self worth is excellent and I felt empowered just being in her presence. When asked what comes to mind when she thinks of courage she said, “Living! Not hiding behind our struggles and using them as an excuse to be a victim but choosing to live!” Sharon also wants to encourage us all to trust ourselves and listen within. She is certain that answers we seek our inside ourselves. We just have to listen and trust. She has overcome remarkable odds in her life and is standing strong and capable of almost anything today. I’m going to take her advice and hope I can get the same amazing results she’s gotten! Thank you for your courage. Thank you for choosing to live!

Catwoman

2008-09-23T14:14:00.006-08:00

Interview #9 – Meg aka Catwoman

When I glance at a piece of artwork I either like it or feel apathetic about it and I very rarely understand it. At closer inspection I’m either turned off by the over-the-top pretension or I’m touched and intrigued, longing to explore the meaning of the piece.
I take a similar approach when meeting new people. And at a closer look Meg had a depth I rarely see in young adults. She was not terribly shy, just quiet. Not nervous, contemplative. I longed to see her from the inside out. She was clearly carrying heartache, insecurity and apprehension but that was blanketed by a courageous wisdom I’d never seen before.
We sat in my apartment drinking root beer and giggling. The rain was pouring outside…again. I knew that Meg’s recent days had been spent studying and creating sculptures, paintings and other fascinating pieces so I explained my mission of encouragement to her and with her permission we started the interview.
Meg spoke of art, philosophy, love, pain, abuse, and secrets. I sat their listening and being thoroughly impressed by her knowledge, creativity and good humor.
She has endured many hardships throughout her life. Abuse of different types and the after shocks that always tag along. But she hasn’t let them overcome her. I think that God gave her the incredible talent she has as a way to heal, emote and when needed, escape.
“When I’m making art, even though I’m drawing from my experience, it’s a therapeutic comforting way to abstractly show my feelings,” she explained.
Some of her emotional wounds are more recent than others but she has had the courage to talk to a counselor and retrain some of her negative thinking. Meg has impressed me many times in the short while I’ve known her. She’s nearing the end of college and has received some very prestigious scholarships. She is living on her own and taking control of her life. I recently cheered for her at an art show she held and although it wasn’t a venue where she could showcase her favorite art pieces it was a stepping stone that let her shine.
I know I will continue to see her grow, value herself more and find those moments of joy in each day!
For those of us recovering from abuse she wants us to know that, “It will get better! Look for the moments in the day that make you happy. Don’t obsess about the ‘what ifs’ and don’t worry about being someone else. Just be the best you, that you can be.”
Every once in a while we are lucky enough to find a friend that touches a fragile part of us that we cradle deep inside. I’ve found that with Meg and it’s amazing to know someone who will never judge me, criticize me or hurt me. She is so much stronger than she can see right now and I can’t wait for the moment she opens her eyes a little wider and becomes the amazing force I already know she is.
I’m going to end with a quote that makes me think of you, Meg:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Williamson
Let yourself shine!

Diamondback

2008-09-23T11:35:00.007-08:00

Interview #8 - Barbara aka Diamondback

Rule #1 – Do not call her Barb or Babs, her name is Barbara.
Rule #2 – Don’t always fall for her sweet charms. For us lucky ones we get to enjoy her coy and spunky side!
Rule #3 – Remember that she lives by the golden rule. So if you treat her well she will treat you wonderfully!
When I think of Barbara I think; classy, elegant, charming, sweet, creative, nurturing and well behaved. I can’t help but notice a fire in her eyes of a wild woman waiting for an excuse to be set free!
There we sat, straining to hear each other over all the other happy hour patrons.
She smiled at me, “I know you’re going to ask me about courage. I think courage is being able to say no.”
Hmm, someone’s been doing their homework. She was absolutely correct. Saying no can be very difficult for all of us people pleasers in the world but we have to take care of ourselves above all else or we won’t be able to fully commit to anything or anyone.
I sat back and just enjoyed listening to Barbara tell stories from her life. It was very apparent that she loves being a mother to her two great children. They are both grown now and out of the house but her eyes sparkled as she reminisced about the fun they all had together. Both her kids are still very close to her and she loves spending time with them, letting loose and admiring the people they have become.
For some of us, the example our parents give us can teach us how we don’t want to be. Barbara loves her mother very much but growing up with an alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging. All the children of alcoholics I have spoken with have expressed times of shame, confusion, embarrassment, frustration and a loss of childhood. Barbara’s feelings were much the same. Thankfully, she chose to make her own path and not follow in those footsteps. Her children never had to feel that shame or heartache. Instead they were blessed with a mother they could trust and lean on!
Months ago I went through an intense training with a local women’s shelter. Domestic violence is a vicious horrible cycle that many women endure. Emotional and verbal abuse can be incredibly hard to identify as abuse but anytime someone tries to control you, degrade you or make you feel insignificant they are abusing you. Barbara had the strength to break free from a relationship where she was being emotionally hurt by someone who was supposed to support and care for her. It wasn’t easy but if there is anything she regrets now it’s that she didn’t leave earlier. For anyone out there hurting she urges you to, “Stick up for yourself! You don’t need to be pushed around. Put yourself first. Do what makes you happy!”
These days Barbara is enjoying her life. She has five pets that she adores. She enjoys quiet evenings painting and reading. And when she needs a burst of energy she loves to run and do the occasional nude cartwheel. Ha!
She has control of her life, children that love spending time with her and a wealth of things to feel proud of. If she could break free, let time heal her and regain her life, so can you!

Mystique

2008-09-20T19:59:00.013-08:00

Interview #7 – Jill aka Mystique

Every time I’m cast in a play I look forward to the new friendships I hope to make. This summer my goal was to catapult Jill from vague acquaintance to good friend. During the 2-3 weeks in between auditions and the start of rehearsals I had three dreams about Jill. In all of them she and I teamed up to fight bad guys! Once we were Charlie’s Angels and twice we were ourselves with Jill protecting me and leading the way to justice. I never mentioned all of these dreams to her because I was pretty sure it would weird her out and quite frankly I had no clue why she was starring in my subconscious mind but I was determined to find out!
Our friendship has grown and I was so excited to meet with her that I forfeited sleeping in on a weekend. That’s true friendship!
In A.M. zombie mode I wandered into the coffee shop. There she was; new haircut, new hair color and ready for a new cup of coffee.
We said our hellos, caught up a bit on life, gossiped about our boyfriends and then it was time to start the interview.
“When you hear the word ‘Courage’ what do you think of?” I asked as I sipped on my toffee spiked Americano.
“Taking risks without being reckless. Knowing the consequences and choosing to do difficult things.”
When I think of Jill I see a talented, witty, strong yet vulnerable young woman who doesn’t always see in the mirror what the rest of us see so clearly. As many of us know, life events and unplanned experiences can break our spirits.
Years ago she was a victim of date rape. Sadly, hearing that didn’t surprise me too much because it’s a horribly common epidemic, especially in Alaska. What did surprise me was hearing her say that she felt partly to blame. I know that many girls feel guilt and I’ve heard a lot of reasons: “I accepted a drink from a stranger.” “I was drunk/high.” “I liked him and said I would go on the date.” It took all my restraint to not latch onto her and repeat, “It’s not your fault!” Good Will Hunting-style until I could feel her believing it. No one deserves to be physically violated! Regardless of age, sex, race, intoxication level, skimpy outfits, etc. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING makes it okay or even remotely understandable to be sexually assaulted. You are not to blame in any way for the sick, unfair wrong choices other people make. It is not your fault!
I believe she knows that and as her love for herself continues to grow right and wrong will become more clear. Jill is thankful that she began opening up about that experience because as a result other friends have found comfort in confiding in her. The fact that more than one person has chosen to trust Jill with their most personal feelings speaks volumes for her character!
As I sat there speaking with her it was quite apparent that her joy has been returning! Jill has welcomed a new mature and loving man into her life. She has the lovely opportunity now to get used to being treated like a Queen. She is currently involved in an artistic production that she’s proud of and passionate about. She recently quit smoking and is still going strong! (That is no easy feat!) And today she succeeded in doing one of her favorite things, making people laugh! She is hilarious!
Near the end of our conversation when asked what she’s proud of in her life she stated, “I’m proud of taking new risks and knowing the consequences…instead of being reckless like I have been in the past.”
My heart skipped a beat. That was almost word for word her definition of “Courage”.
Jill, whether you realized it or not you are living a courageous inspiring life and I look forward to seeing it blossom even more!

Rainbow Brite

2008-09-19T16:20:00.009-08:00

Interview #6 – Jennifer aka Rainbow Brite

It’s been hours since I spoke with Jennifer yet here I am still in awe of her grace, strength and the all encompassing love that emanates from her. It’s rare to find someone who has endured extreme trauma yet still has a childlike twinkle in their eyes. I feel blessed beyond measure that I was able to speak with her and have a moment of my life brightened by her hope.
There we were sitting on a dirty bench in the sprinkling rain armed with delicious hot dogs and ready to begin, “When you hear the word courage what do you think of?” I asked.
She took a breath, “I think of my old dance partners Mom. She is the most courageous person I know. It took so much strength for her to go on after losing her only child and her brother-in-law in that car accident. And there she was willing to be there for me.”
It took me more than a minute to make all the proper connections in this story, “So, you lost your dance partner too! That must’ve been terrible. How old were you?”
“I was fifteen and yes it was hard. We had been dance partners and best friends since we were two years old! We had just been accepted to the American Ballet Theatre! Then Chris died and my injuries made me unable to dance or even walk.” She looked down.
My head jerked up, “Wait. What? You were in the car crash too? Were you the sole survivor?” I was in shock.
“Yes,” she said sweetly, “Chris saved me and I know he watches after me now. My own guardian angel.” She smiled at me.
Fifteen years old, an incredible dancer with an amazing best friend/partner/love and then it’s all taken away in the blink of an eye. My heart was aching as she told me the details of her story. In the car crash both her legs were crushed. The doctors said she might never walk again. The mother of her friend that passed away in the same crash stayed by her side through the entire recovery and paid for an experimental surgery to help her regain use of her legs. With lots of physical therapy and support she went on to walk and even dance again! Physically her healing was going as well as anyone could hope but emotionally recovery took more time. At the time of the accident the whole situation was too traumatic for her mother. We all have different reactions when under pressure and at that point in her life she was not able to be there for Jennifer. (They have since mended their relationship.) She also lost the person she was closest to, the man that told his mother every year since he was little that he was going to marry Jennifer when they grew up. She felt guilt and sorrow. Her self esteem dropped. Yet, she never gave up on herself and her life!
Chris’s mom would remind Jennifer that he would want her to be happy, and keep dancing and never give up. Those words still motivate her today! She’s living her life in a positive way for both of them. Life isn’t easy and that isn’t the only difficulty she’s gone through but I felt empowered, encouraged and immensely impressed looking into her eyes and seeing her hope.
When she’s having a hard day she tries to dance, write poetry, do graphic design, take photographs and spend time with her “Miracle Cat”, Jimmy.
The rain intensified as we sat there finishing our hot dogs. I felt like my heart was going to burst from my chest. The life she’s had could lead some people to be angry, bitter, and unhappy. Yet here she was smiling, laughing, reminiscing and blowing me away! She shined with love and hope. When I asked what advice she would give to others who are dealing with abuse or trauma she said, “You are never alone. It’s not the end of the world. I learned to walk again. I know you can overcome!”
Jennifer’s daily goal is to make at least two people smile. I know she met her goal today! :)

She-Hulk

2008-09-19T14:23:00.018-08:00

***Note from Blaze- I decided that if I'm expecting everyone to answer my interview questions I better step up and show you more of me. My boyfriend is a great writer so I asked him to interview me and write this piece. Thank you all for your support thus far!

Interview #5 - Blaze aka She-Hulk
-written by Wessly
Since I first heard pieces of her story, of her life, of her bravery. The phrase, “Nobody makes you a victim, you make you a victim.” has resonated through my mind. Blaze is not a victim, not anymore. As she walks around her apartment blowing out various candles I watch and admire her. She sits across the room from me, sprawling out on her couch. Even though they are her questions and she knows exactly what is coming she looks defensive; it’s rough territory we are about to traverse, but she wants to because contrary to popular opinion, silence is NOT golden.
“The most courageous person I know. Constantly amazed at your strength and what you’ve been able to overcome. Constant source of hope in humanity springs from your determination, love, and bravery.” This is what I tell her, this is all true, this is all astounding to me every day I look at her I feel stronger because of her. I’m not the only one, anybody who knows her loves her because she is so empowering. But what empowers her? “Performing! I spend so much time avoiding talking about my own feelings that it’s nice to let some out through taking on a role.” Not only does she get the physical release, but she also gets to do what makes her happiest in life: helping others. Through performing she hopes to give people a few moments to relax, release, and forget any of their worldly woes to smile.
This desire, this drive to make others feel better, this never-ceasing urge has been with her since birth. In grade school she received her favorite award “Most Encouraging.” It’s a rare quality to encourage everyone you come across, but that is what she does. She admits that there are times when it’s difficult because some people are so self-trained to dislike themselves that they won’t allow anyone to lift them up. But she tries, sometimes it’s what she calls “a blessing and a curse” due to the ability to see through all the negative energy a person carries to see that one glimmer of positivity they carry buried deep within. But the good outweighs the bad and it brings her peace to be able to help others. Helping others quiets that internal motivator that has been telling her for her entire life “you are special, you are on earth to do great things, get moving!”
She is moving. This blog that she has started has brought her more peace than she has ever known. It is still in it’s new stages but she feels better about herself and who she is since starting. Blaze is a survivor of sexual abuse, rape, pill addiction, alcoholism, and bulimia. She deserves peace after the wars she’s fought. She deserves a medal of honor for turning her life around. She never deserved, nobody ever deserves, any of what has happened. She wants everyone to know that it is not your fault. You don’t have to be a victim. Above all she wants everyone to know that if something has happened to you: talk about it, with someone, anyone. Silence is NOT golden.
Blaze is talking. She has spoken multiple times for STAR, (www.staralaska.org), It’s never easy but she has to speak out or she’s afraid no one else will. At the trial against her assailant Blaze spoke. Her assailant was an unfortunate result of her ability to see the good in people. She dated this “man” for one month in high school and he fell in love with her. He was still in love with her and could never have her and the small bit of good that was in him was overshadowed by a dark, dark shadow that made him the most violent serial rapist Alaska has seen in over a decade. Of his three victims that he not only raped, but also brutally beat Blaze was one of the few willing to talk. Willing to re-live those horrible moments to put him away for a long time, but not long enough. He took from her one of the most beautiful things anyone can ever take and can never regain, her virginity. She had been saving herself for marriage, wanting to share this experience with only one man, the man she chose to marry. After her attack that ideal, that dream was shattered and sex meant less than zero. Her assailant is in prison now. One of the few of the very many that should be behind bars.
When I asked how she felt after her attack she stated, “this is going to sound weird, but I felt empowered, there was a clear purpose in who I’m meant to help.” Her empowerment didn’t last for long. With her step-father leaving the family and her biological father passing away she “lost it.” She let herself become a victim. She became addicted to Ambien, spending day and night on a prescription drug high. Admittedly she used her attack as an excuse to do whatever she wanted and felt as though she must not have been doing too bad when a therapist said, “I’m surprised you haven’t tried to kill yourself!” She carried a lot of self-blame which only worsened her addiction and her bulimia. She felt broken and not worthy. She still struggles with alcohol as a stress reliever but as of this writing she is 9 days into her sobriety and feeling great about it. She is working on replacing alcohol with some of her other stress relievers such as lifting weights, spending reflective time alone, and watching funny shows.
Who she’s becoming more and more with each new passing day is a marvel. Since her downward spiral she has gotten back into school, danced in a movie, done various stage performances, sang in many venues, recorded music with local artists, successfully completed rehab for her pill addiction, been on a national tour, been a survivor speaker and will be doing it again next month, mended lots of relationships with friends and family, and, has “the greatest boyfriend and I’m letting him love me instead of thinking I don’t deserve it.” She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to my life. (Thank you for letting me love you.)
All of the proceeding has been information Blaze willingly gave after a rocky start. When she was asked what she thinks of when she thought of courage she couldn’t come up with an answer right away. Finally she landed on “taking responsibility for you, it’s easy to blame others” and Angela Shelton (www.angelashelton.com), who’s story inspired Blaze to find the strength to be vulnerable.

Dawnstar

2008-09-18T11:01:00.007-08:00

Interview #4 Rebecca aka Dawnstar
Rebecca and Jason, chef extraordinaires, had just fed us a great homecooked meal and it was now time to begin faze two of the evening: Watching their adorable daughter, Violet entertain us. I think we’ve all been turned off at some point, (especially us unmarried, childless people) by kids that are throwing tantrums or by watching their parents sickenly fawn over their little baby and the wonders of it’s “poopy”. But when I am around Violet I suddenly find myself wanting one of my own. A mini-me to tickle and play with. Then I think of diapers and crying and start daydreaming about the beauty of abstinence. Still, it is very easy to envy Rebecca’s family and see why she loves them so very much.
I began talking myself out of asking her these interview questions. My mind filled with reasons why I should just sit there quietly and not bother her. She’s pregnant which means she must be tired and sensitive so I should let her go to bed and leave her alone. What if she finds me annoying one on one? What if she decides I’m not good enough for Wes? I need a drink—WHOA. There’s my devil creeping in trying to stop me from doing something I know is important so I blurted out,
“Oh! Can I ask you some questions?” as if the notion had just popped into my head.
“Sure, lets go to the table and let the guys play Jason’s new PS3 game.” She smiled adoringly towards her loving husband. (I catch her doing that a lot!)
I took a deep breath, “What comes to mind when you hear the word, Courage?”
“People who can be themselves and accept themselves for who they really are, regardless of size and what society might want them to be.”
Rebecca showed a lot of passion while discussing body issues and the harm that does to females, and some males. Many women have felt they are not pretty, thin or good enough and maybe never will be. Luckily Rebecca’s been blessed with an empowering husband who strives to build her up.
It was clear that her daughter is her soul and her husband fills her heart. They both inspire her to be the best Mother and the best person she can be. But, life wasn’t always as fulfilling and complete for her as it is now.
She’s overcome the difficulty of post-partum depression. She is proud of a courageous step she took in understanding and accepting that anti-depressant’s could help balance out her depression and make her life better. The medication has helped her mood not drop to frightening lows, melted away anxiety attacks and has kept her from being a “righteous whore”, as she put it. Ha!
Throughout her life she has experienced verbal abuse, sexual abuse, confusion and that startling realization that at times she compromised her body so that guys might like her more. I saw that even saying that aloud was embarrassing for her but I know that many of us ladies have been there. For anyone struggling she suggests that you please talk to someone. Don’t keep things buried inside. Talk to a counselor, a friend, a stranger.
Her tight knit group of female friends and her family have helped her heal old wounds. She has taken control of her life and her health and is a shining example of a beautiful, courageous, intelligent woman. The perfect way to describe Rebecca would be the exact words she used to describe her Mother, “funny, sweet, generous, has been through a lot and loves her kids more than anything.” Thank you for your courage, Rebecca. Your daughter has been very blessed by getting you for a Mom!

Dazzler

2008-09-17T14:55:00.008-08:00

Interview #3 Dazzler
Unique, intriguing, creative and original. These are the thoughts that come to mind when I think of her. She has agreed to share a bit of her life with us but does not want her name used. For now I will call her, Dazzler.

“Here is a vague version of my story of strength found in weakness. Sharing my testimony terrifies me. And yes, I see it as a testimony. It is a long drawn out story that cannot be simplified enough. I wouldn't tell my story without giving Jesus recognition. Because in all honesty, he is the only one that I entrust with my complete broken soul. It is only because of him in down and out situations that I am here alive today. To say anything less would be a complete and utter copout.I have been hurt by telling my story so much in the past that it almost became even more painful than the story itself. The rejection and loss of hope that came from the people I loved was what drove me to the act of attempted suicide. I will never do that again. I have thought about it, but owe it to the Lord too much to take my life for granted. I was given a second chance and a third and a fourth and a, I could go on and on. I have tried to give into calling my savior other names, just to find that by no other name will man be saved. I am not a preacher, not out to convert, just a woman who believes what she believes because she has received what she has received and is still receiving. What is that you ask? Grace. And as a man giveth so shall he receive. It is by your faith that you are healed. Hope doesn't love you back. Hope doesn't care for you. Hope is just an attribute of God. Hope is a sliver of the amount of light that truth can shine on a situation. Hope is not strong when you are weak. When you are alone with hope you can't wail in its presence. Hope didn't love you enough to die for you. Hope can take you so far in recovering from fear, pain and sorrow. Jesus will take you all the way.” –Dazzler

These next few sentences are some of the best encouraging words I’ve received in a long time:

“You are obviously going to do great things in the name of Jesus, this is why the devil tried so hard to destroy you. This is what I believe about myself. You are proof that greater is He who is within you then he who is within the world.”

Thank you for your faith!

Ice Man

2008-09-17T12:45:00.005-08:00

Interview #2 - Wes aka My Boyfriend aka Iceman

“I’m hungry!”
Wes looked over at me with his “you’re my favorite brat” expression, “Blaze, I’m going to start cooking right now.”
Yes, I am a lucky girl! I sat on his big squishy couch for a moment contemplating what I should do while he whipped up a scrumptious meal. I could read, I could watch tv or I could do what I’d been putting off and interview him.
I grabbed a pen and paper and skipped into the kitchen, “Mmm! It smells…chickeny! Ready to be interviewed?” I asked.
“Sure!” he exclaimed without hesitation.
And so, we began, “What comes to mind when you think of the word ‘courage’?”
“A lot of military movies…Colin Powell, he was a prominent figure that overcame a lot of adversity.”
A smile spread across my face. This was going to be much different then interviewing a woman. I started to get excited.
Wes grew up as a military brat. His family was always moving from state to state, base to base making it nearly impossible for him to have lasting friendships. In his life, being the new kid equaled being the new prey. Someone to pick on and tease to make that 4th grade girl giggle or to make the class forget the time they caught you picking your nose. He was an easy mark and the little teasing and two-faced “friends” started to harden his heart. It became almost impossible to feel he could trust anyone. He was suddenly a young cynic. He relied on books to be his lifeline and at an early age began to find comfort in writing.
Writing and reading are two true passions of his. You can often find him at a coffee shop or bookstore furiously scribbling in a notepad. He is one of the most talented people I’ve ever met. I used to admire how humble he was but I came to realize that he just didn’t know how great he was.
I asked him to tell me some ways that he deals with stress. As he named a few activities I started to realize that they were all healthy and responsible, which in my head screamed, unrealistic!
I looked up at him, “You’ve listed off some very good ways you deal with stress; exercise, writing, video games. Have you ever dealt with stress in an unhealthy manner?”
His eyes drooped and he looked down at the floor for a moment, “Yes. When I found out I had to serve in Iraq. I was angry and sad…and scared so, I drank…a lot.”
I felt a lump grow in my throat. He rarely talks about Iraq and when he does he gives no details. I’ve never wanted to poke and prod about that time in his life but he served in Iraq for an entire year so I can only imagine how challenging it must have been. He went on to tell me stories of his drinking. At that time he did not want to think about the hardships he was about to face so he tried to cover all his feelings with alcohol. He was drinking day and night to the point of sheer embarrassment. I can’t blame him but thankfully I also can’t imagine him that way. In the year and a half that I’ve known him I have never ever seen him drunk. He said that the shame that drinking brought him made him quickly change his ways.
Today Wes is a stronger, more confident man then he’s ever been. He’s finishing up his last few college courses. He’s gotten more than one promotion since I’ve met him. When the doctor said his cholesterol was too high he took the initiative to change his lifestyle and be in control of who he wants to be. He goes to the gym nearly everyday and he cooks me delicious healthy meals almost every night. Score! Wes is the most well-rounded, fun and loving man I’ve ever known and it is an amazing blessing to have him in my life.

Wonder Woman

2008-09-15T09:24:00.007-08:00

Interview #1 My Magnificent Mother.
I asked her nicely, “Mother, can I please practice my interview on you?”
She tilted her beautiful head to the side and said, “Of course babe! Just tell me when and where.”
“Great! My place. Lunchtime. Today. And…can I give you some laundry to take home with you…pleeeease?” Shameless, I know.
My Mother is my biggest inspiration and after raising me as a single-mom for over 10 years I have to blame her in big part for me being the happy person I am today.
Lunch hour finally came and we met in my small cluttered apartment. As I gathered my laundry my Mother stood in my bathroom freshening up. She re-applied her ruby lipstick and showed her excitement for being my interview guinea pig.
“So? What are these questions?”
And so, it began. My questions didn’t flow beautifully or show her quite how much I cared about her answers but for my first interview I was able to reach some of my goals. I got to know my Mom better and I got to remind her that she’s strong and capable.
I grabbed my cheat sheet, “When you hear the word, ‘Courage’, what comes to mind.”
She immediately blurted out, “Single moms. Is that the kind of answer you’re looking for? Sorry.”
“No need to apologize! There are no wrong answers. That’s perfect.” I reassured her.
“Oh good. Also, doing the right thing. That takes a lot of courage sometimes.”
Yes it does. Especially when you’ve grown up not always knowing right from wrong. After discussing motivating factors in her life, (Love. Love. Love!) I asked her about abuse. If she’s ever endured abuse of any kind. I let her know that a yes or no answer was perfectly fine but if she wanted to say more I wanted to listen. She told me that she felt growing up with an alcoholic parent was a form of abuse.

As an adult she has been abused verbally and emotionally but thankfully her maturity, strength and wonderful children have helped her regain HOPE!
She was able to easily list off activities that make her feel good about herself. Artwork, exercise, prayer, and being with her children were a few. When coping with stress she allows herself to cry, she talks to her sister and at times eats more or less than is healthy to hide her pain. She can see her weaknesses and her strengths in a more clear light. Most importantly she can see that her struggles are her own and not someone else trying to overpower her anymore. She used to feel she did not deserve good things but now she is able to stick up for herself, see what a great mother she is and have the courage to trust others and share her heart without giving herself away.
I smiled full of pride at the wonderful Mom I’ve been blessed with, “Mom, what advice would you give to others who are dealing with abuse?”
The sparkle in her eyes turned to a stern determined look, “I would tell them that they do not deserve it! It is the abusers problem. If they are in the midst of abuse, get out! We all have to realize that it is not our problem and none of us deserves to be abused.”
“Thank you so much for your courage Mom. I love you.”