Fire

Interview #25 – Stephanie aka Fire

A true “passion-ista”! When I describe Stephanie, “Passion” is always the first word out of my mouth. It’s rare to meet a young woman who engulfs you with her raw open loving strength the first time you meet her. But that’s Stephanie! She’s a ball of energy with an old wise soul. I was very excited to interview her because she possesses qualities and ideas that I wish I embraced more in myself. I was ready to listen and learn.
I sat playing piano and singing, anxiously awaiting her arrival. “Helllllooooo!” I heard through the crack in the door. She was here and best of all, she was bearing gifts! My first baby mama gift bag!! As if I didn’t already think she was cool enough…
“I take myself too seriously,” she said. “I’m working on it.” Taking ourselves seriously, over thinking everything, striving to be some mysterious ideal is something many of us have gone through and I don’t believe that is all bad. I must admit, I feel blessed to have met her at this deep thinker point in her life because her thoughts were flowing. She opened up to me about her childhood, her family, and the personal evolution she’s currently experiencing.
Her parents divorced when she was very young but the tension and pain is still a vivid memory for her. Daddy wounds, as she calls them, are difficult, but not impossible to recover from and it’s often tough to decipher how much those young experiences truly effect our adulthood decisions and biases. Nevertheless healing is very available, it only takes a heart that's open and a soul that's willing. Being without a father was something Stephanie and I had in common and we realized that each of us have spent a lot of time trying to “Be Enough” or constantly be more and better in order to have people want to stay with us. One thing that’s important for us to remind ourselves of is that our fathers leaving was not our fault, was not something we could’ve changed by being “better” and the subconscious actions we still play out as a result of that time period is no longer a healthy or needed coping mechanism. We are enough. We are loved. Life is best lived in the present, not the past.


Here are a few of the great quotes that help sum up Stephanie’s view:
“Others do have an effect on me, as I have an effect on them. It’s not their responsibility how I react to their words or actions but I am an emotional, relational being and the things others do [does] effect me and I'm okay with that. I believe true relationship can only be experienced when there's a genuine exchange of my truth with yours!”
“The biggest battle is the battle between our own two ears.” –(Stephanie’s Mom)
“ Erykah Badu said 'I am an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.' Artists...that's just how we are!"

For any of us suffering she believes we need to stay in it! Feel the pain; acknowledge it rather than deny its existence. Once we look at it for what it is we can then work through it, take away its power and move to a stronger healthier place. I feel so blessed to have this ignited young woman in my life. She is an inspiration and I can already see how dramatically her heart is going to grow and overflow into others as she blossoms! Thank you for sharing your soul with me!

-If you know a child feeling the effects of divorce here are some links that may help:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
http://www.kidsturncentral.com/topics/issues/divorce.htm

Spiderman

Interview #24 – Jered aka Spiderman
“A selfless act of compassion, bringing light into someone else’s darkness when their own hearts are broken, is courageous.” What an eloquent definition of, courage. I would expect nothing less from a writer as skilled as, Jered.
Writing can be a wonderfully therapeutic way to release our innermost feelings, help our minds travel to faraway places, and teach others of the things we’ve learned. Jered has been blessed to have found this beautiful outlet and I have had the privilege of reading many of his awesome pieces! His poetry and stories have made me moan, sigh, giggle and roll my eyes. Pretty impressive from the boy I once thought of as a theater loving, girl crazy, comic book nerd! (I mean that in the sweetest way.)
I met Jered when we performed together in a rousing comedic musical. I could recognize his unique strong speaking voice anywhere. He instantly reminded me of what I imagined my little brother growing up to be so of course I started following him around, hoping to learn all about him and see if I could get my brother a discount at the comic book store Jered worked for. All those dreams came true!
I began to see that Jered had a deep soul with a compassion for his friends that I’ve rarely seen. He was willing and able to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. And that included me. Unfortunately, we don’t always receive the same amount of love we give and that’s led to some heartache for Jered. His trust has been abused and turned against him a time or two. That kind of betrayal has pushed him to deep depression and bouts of alcoholism. Depression can be a crippling experience that so many of us have battled. And alcohol abuse is very difficult, if not impossible for some of us to not crash and burn from. Both are issues he still struggles with off and on. But he’s looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel and he’s learning to be more selective about who he shares himself completely with.
Jered is still full of hope, despite life’s ups and downs. He believes we must keep our confidence high and he’s sure that we can do amazing things by harnessing the strength that sits in our own chests!
I am incredibly proud of the risks Jered has taken recently. He’s back in California, ready to hit it big! He strives to be a writer, actor and productive happy man. I’ve witnessed his talent and passion. I see every reason for him to achieve all these goals. Don’t forget us little people! We’re rooting for you!

-If you, or someone you know is suffering from depression or alcoholism there is so much help and support out there! Check out:
http://www.depression-helper.com/
http://www.aa.org/

Raiden

Interview #23 - Ira aka Raiden

Cool jazz piano licks in the background. A glass of merlot in front of him. Crème Brule in front of me. What a beautiful and fitting setting for this interview.
I met Ira almost ten years ago. It was all about the music! He was introduced as the “keys player” for my hot new band. It only took moments for us to realize we were going to get along perfectly. It’s actually quite difficult to not get along with Ira. Of all the men I’ve known, he is the most even-tempered, calm, cool and collected gentlemen. It’s relaxing to be in his presence and know that silence is welcome. He doesn’t feel the need to hear the sound of his own voice. Ira just emanates peace.
Finding peace has been a lifetime goal and worthwhile journey for him. Growing up around a lot of domestic fighting really helped him see, as a child, how he didn’t want to behave as an adult. His parents had a wide range of abusive behavior between them, from verbal to involving weapons. Ira watched this and decided he wasn’t going to repeat that behavior. And he hasn’t, which truly shows his strength. It’s an extreme challenge to not replicate our parents actions but Ira is proof that we each have the ability to break unhealthy cycles.
Ira focused on his music beginning at a very young age. He’s been a music lover and self proclaimed loner for a lot of his life. That isn’t to say he’s lacking in the friend department. He values his personal time though and let’s others in only when he knows he’s able to give of himself. Those of us that have been privileged enough to spend time with him, appreciate the things he’s done to become such an inspiring friend.
Ira stays focused, full of love and confident by reading, writing, playing a wide array of instruments and going for walks. He’s an amazing song writer and I’m always excited when he calls asking if I want to sing something new he’s written. He plays piano, guitar, bass, and drums proficiently. It blows my mind! And I’m sure there are more instruments I’m missing from the list! He loves taking walks in nature, seeing and feeling the beauty. And as long as I’ve known him he’s had an excellent selection of philosophy books.
For those of us struggling he says we need to love something. The love he puts into his music can’t help but overflow into other parts of his life. When we practice love, we can become love and that is a beautiful goal! Also, there is a book he’d like to suggest that truly changed his life; “Think On These Things” by Krishnamurti.
When I think of the best friends I’ve ever had (and currently have) Ira is the first person that comes to mind. I’ve been blessed to sing with him countless times around town and record some of his original songs. His natural calming effect, kind heart and wise words have been a great inspiration to my life. Thank you for sharing yourself with me! Your friendship means the world to me!

-If you, or someone you know is witnessing domestic violence there is support out there for you! Some great resources can be found at: http://evefoundation.org/ or locally at, http://www.awaic.org/. Be brave!

A Sneak Peek into Blaze/She-Hulks Life!

I want to know your stories! What you've accomplished, overcome and struggled with. I want to use this blog to share stories of others so I'll begin with mine. I know that many people I pass on the street each day have been involved in, or have known someone that's endured abuse. Please know that you are not alone and that there is always hope for a better day!“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” –Redmoon
As a sexual assault survivor many people have complimented my bravery and courage. I never understood how I could possibly seem brave. It has been years since my sexual assault but I still have bouts of paralyzing fear, terrifying flashbacks and moments when I just want to give up hope. But, I will never give up! That’s what my attacker would want. He would want to see me fail and hurt and be miserable the rest of my life so that he could keep having control over me. I refuse to give him that power. In the years since my assault I have endured many painful things and I have overcome even more. Mere months after my violent sexual assault by a masked serial rapist, my step-dad left our family and then my biological father died. That was the point when I no longer felt I had the strength to go on. I didn’t want to hurt myself but I just wanted a break from life. I made some bad choices that made things even worse. I became a pill addict, believing that my only peace could be found from a prescription drug high. I also experienced severe bulimia. Somehow I thought with enough puking I could rid myself of all the pain inside. I went to counselor after counselor, I tried to keep job after job until I realized that I wasn’t living. I had let myself turn into a victim rather than a survivor. I checked myself into an out-patient treatment clinic to get help with my pill addiction, I started volunteering with STAR as a survivor speaker, I began doing the things I enjoyed again like acting and singing in local productions, I went on a musical theatre tour performing in over 40 states, I chose a wonderful supportive boyfriend, I renewed broken relationships with family and friends and I finally began valuing myself again. I didn’t change overnight. I still struggle and I still hurt but caring more about myself and the other survivors out there have brought back my joy. Hope and courage have kept my heart alive. Please never give up on yourselves. Do not let the person who hurt you continue to cause you pain for the rest of your lives. We have to support each other and lift each other up. We are not victims. We are survivors!

***Update! This was originally written in 2008. Since then, I have performed in many shows, traveled and recently got engaged to an amazing man! Oh, and I'm expecting a super beautiful baby in March 2011. Life is still full of ups and downs but the highers are higher and I'm still on my continuous quest to show that hope, love and strength are prevalent and possible! LOVE!

Banshee

Interview #22 - Leif aka Banshee

“He’s so funny and smart!”
“He is super talented!”
“Oh, he’s cuuute!”
These are all common quotes I hear about the man of the hour. Leif. Actor, musician, lover, computer geek extraordinaire! Leif and I played together for the first time, ten years ago! We laughed, ate Thai food and sang about guys and dolls. Thanks to the magic of theatre, Leif and I have been a married Jewish couple, we shared the stage as a big bad wolf and an evil stepsister, and we kissed while lamenting his supreme skills at fertilizing my eggs. It’s hard to not grow close to someone after these staged, yet oh-so-real experiences. Thankfully, we took time off the stage to truly get to know each other.
When I’m around Leif I get an immediate sense of relief. I feel that I can let my guard down around him and he’d never judge me for anything. It’s surprising how rare that is to find. I’m never quite sure what off-color joke might roll off his tongue but at least I know they’re coming. He easily admits that humor is his defense mechanism. Thank God the man’s funny!
Child abuse leads many people to build up walls and find ways to defend themselves from further pain. Leif endured things that no one, especially a child should be exposed to.
Research shows that 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 16. Those numbers are disturbingly high. Sexual abuse is under reported by females and even more so by males. There are many things that make it difficult for guys to talk about being abused. I am extremely proud of Leif and his courage to speak out about what he’s gone through. I am not sure he realizes how much his strength and openness can impact the lives of others. He is not alone in what he’s experienced and breaking the silence is the only way to show others they can also overcome!
Most perpetrators are straight adult men that are close trusted men in the lives of the children they hurt. The man that hurt Leif fit into this mold perfectly. When Leif was twelve years old one of his parent’s friends began sexually abusing him. I have a twelve year old brother. He is at a time in his life where he’s developing a lot physically and finding his place in the world mentally. Abuse as a child severely stunts your emotional growth and really alters your view of the world, at least for awhile. Leif’s abuse went on for three years. During that time he went from a social boy in the gifted program at school to a silent boy isolating himself and failing all his classes. He found one friend that he was able to confide in and trust. After the abuse stopped Leif began healing. He said it took fifteen years to heal enough to talk about it but he is an incredibly strong amazing man today despite the obstacles he went through.
Leif is one of the most intelligent men I know. He can enter a room full of instruments and play one after another with grace and skill. As an actor he is always in demand and everyone who knows him loves him! Leif recently got married and became a father! He was very blessed to find the woman who fits perfectly with his heart. And he got a bonus by becoming a father to her beautiful daughter. He feels happy and at ease with his life today. I am so proud of him!
Leif, thank you so much for your courage in sharing such a difficult part of your life. You can really change someone’s entire world just by letting them know they’re not alone!
If you or someone you know is a victim of male sexual abuse please seek help. Find someone you can talk to. Here are links to a couple helpful websites that break down some of the myths and give great resources. You aren’t defined by what others do to you. You have reserves of strength inside yourself. You can overcome!
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/assault/male.htm
http://www.malesurvivor.org/default.html

Bitter-sweet Hauntings

Dad.
He died. A few years ago he got leukemia and I suppose I’m thankful because that gave him the inspiration to get in touch with me. I talked to him more in his last months on earth than I had in the previous 20 years. I miss him. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him this month so I’m hoping that writing about him will help me heal.
Kirk had a huge smile! He made lots of funny faces. I’ve only seen them in pictures but Mom says I make all the same silly expressions.
In high school he was a basketball star! At his funeral an old friend stood up and reminisced about watching his afro bounce down the court as he impressed them all game after game.
He loved my Mom. He loved me.
Unfortunately, he loved drugs more.
I have now lived and learned enough to understand how crippling addiction is. Dad had bi-polar and without medical insurance I assume it was much easier to buy drugs on the streets and use all the uppers and downers available to regulate his manic depressive moods. He was addicted to every type of illegal drug I’ve heard of. My entire life he was in and out of rehab. When he was in rehab it was bittersweet for me. Those were the only times I would receive letters from him. It was often years in between hearing from him and each time it sent me into a detached depressed fear driven world of confusion. When I was 7 years old he sent me a dress that would only fit a 3 year old. He had no concept of time or space but he was trying, I guess.
When I was born my mother had the courage to take me away from him. She didn’t want her daughter being raised by a drug addict. I’m very thankful that she made that choice. While growing up Dad would call and threaten to kidnap me so I had to switch schools and churches. At the time I didn’t know why but thankfully I was a kid who thrived on change and loved making new friends. For a short while he did have visitation rights. He showed me how to start a car with a knife. We ate mashed potatoes together. He told me he loved me. He and his friends were almost always on drugs. A pretty little girl in a ruffled purple dress and a house full of men on drugs led to some very painful experiences for me. But I loved my Dad and I didn’t want to talk about it so I wouldn’t. Mom knew things weren’t right and the 3rd time he tried to pick me up drunk she cut off all his rights to me. I was angry. I wanted a Dad. Oh well.
I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have good memories but there are a lot of blanks in between them. Mom took me to therapist after therapist hoping I would talk about my “feelings” and release some of those repressed memories. But my mind was trying to take care of me. We can only handle so much so my brain waited until I was much older to open up my subconscious mind. I still love my Dad though. I forgive him with all my heart.
The funeral. It is very traumatic to see your father for the first time in 10 years lying dead in a box. But I was so unbelievably happy to see him. I stroked his face. I held his hand. I tried to make his limp arms hug me. It was one of the best days of my life. I finally was with my Dad and he wasn’t hurting me. He was free. His last words were, “Tell Blaze I’m sorry and I love her.” I forgive you and I love you too Dad. That day was incredible because I spent it with the entire side of the family that I never get to see. The other half of me! I felt so complete. I cried and sang and drank all day. My Aunts brought me gifts that he’d been collecting for me over the years. I will never lose those precious gifts. I reconnected with cousins. I saw where my addictive personality came from.
My father survived a tumultuous life full of ups and downs. I know drugs are bad but I really hope that they gave him some relief and some momentary feelings of joy and apathy. I miss him. I still get severe twinges of jealousy when I meet “Daddy’s Girls”. That’s a feeling I’ll never know. But life is still full of hope and beauty and I look forward to seeing my father again one day.

One...Singular Sensation!

Another one bites the dust...

Here I am. Single. Alone. Free.

Able to breathe deeply again.
I broke up with another one. This one was the perfect guy. But when you’re not the perfect girl that doesn’t matter too much. He was smart, funny, courteous, generous, loving, trustworthy and ready to put a ring on my finger. It was not easy to let this man go.
For my entire life my biggest fear has been…Commitment! I’ve been abandoned by two Dad’s. Yes ma’am, daddy issues! Blerg. I’ve watched my Mom get her heart broken by man after man…after man. When I was in elementary school I remember watching my Mom cry over yet another heartbreak. I knew then that I would never cry over a guy and I would never be left by one. Twenty years later here I am with that decision still deep seated in my subconscious mind. Over the years I’ve started to see the value in the male race and come to respect them more but the feeling that I’m better off without them attached to my heart always surfaces.
When I hear the word, “Love”, my stomach turns. Nope, those aren’t butterflies, they are evil vampire bats flying around trying to suck my life away. When I hear the word, “Marriage”, I start to perspire and seek out the nearest exit. Romantic comedies make me want to puke. I don’t even like chocolate and if another guy tries to impress me with a love poem I think I might choke him with it. Am I even a girl?
Although I’ve been keeping fairly quiet about my break-up, I am absolutely loving being single again. The man I let go of is so wonderful that I want to be gentle and not make things any harder on his heart than I already have. I’m just not ready to settle down. Not yet. And not anytime that I can see in my crystal ball. I adore being able to schedule my days without considering anyone else’s feelings. I know how selfish that is but it’s making me so relaxed! I can go anywhere, anytime with anyone and enjoy myself. I’m not someone who needs love or companionship to be happy. I need freedom and new experiences and a revolving door of new friendships to learn and grow from.
I truly envy the many people I’ve met who can find contentment, love and life in relationships. I’m just not there yet and I’m glad I had the courage to admit that for my sake and his.

Let the next chapter begin!